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"The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money."
Joey Adams
 
" My toughest fight was with my first wife."
Muhammad Ali
 
"For the first year of marriage I had a basically bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal."
Woody Allen
 
"I married beneath me. All women do."
Nancy, Lady Astor
 
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."
Jim Backus
 
"No man should marry before he has studied anatomy and dissected the body of a woman."
Honoré de Balzac
 
"Never marry a man who hates his mother because he'll end up hating you."
Jill Bennett
 
"Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."
Ambrose Bierce
 
"The only real argument for Marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted."
Heywood Broun
 
"My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her."
Lenny Bruce
 
" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
George Burns
 
"Wedlock: the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue. It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses."
Mrs. Patrick Campbell
 
"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him."
 Cher
 
"Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play."
William Congreve
 
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
Professor Irwin Corey
 
" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
Phyllis Diller
 
"I have always thought that every woman should marry, and no man."
Benjamin Disraeli
 
"If a man has a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture or philosophy, he makes a bad husband and an ill provider."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
"I would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and married."
Queen Elizabeth I of England
 
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
Nora Ephron
 
"When the blind leads the blind, no wonder they both fall into matrimony."
George Farquhar
 
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
Benjamin Franklin
 
"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."
Robert Frost
 
"Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
"I've been married once on the level, and twice in America."
Texas Guinan
 
"Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising."
E. W. Howe
 
"My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who's lost three husbands."
Kin Hubbard
 
"Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it."
Kin Hubbard
 
"The most difficult year of marriage is the one you're in."
Franklin P. Jones
 
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. The trouble was, I went into marriage with both eyes closed - her father closed one and her brother closed the other."
Max Kauffmann
 
"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house."
Jean Kerr
 
"Marriage isn't a 50-50 proposition very often. It's more like 100-0 one moment and 0-100 the next."
Billie Jean King
 
"Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl."
Stephen Leacock
 
"There are four stages in a marriage. First there's the affair, then the marriage, then the children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce."
Norman Mailer
 
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
Groucho Marx
 
"When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason."
Molly McGee
 
"Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives."
H. L. Mencken
 
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not."
H. L. Mencken
 
"The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous; the way to lose him is to keep him a little more jealous."
H. L. Mencken
 
"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too."
H. L. Mencken
 
"'Tis always more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents."
H. L. Mencken
 
"Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier."
H. L. Mencken
 
"Marriage: It is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out."
Michel de Montaigne
 
"The plural of spouse is spice."
Christopher Morley
 
"The trouble with wedlock is, there's not enough wed and too much lock."
John Morley
 
"To keep your marriage brimming. With love in the loving cup. Whenever your wrong admit it; Whenever you're right shut up."
Ogden Nash
 
"For a successful marriage you need incompatibility. He has the income and she has the patability."
Ogden Nash
 
"Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in the brewery."
George Jean Nathan
 
"Come to some angry words with my wife about neglecting the keeping of the house clean, I calling her a beggar, and she me a pricklouse, which vexed me."
Samuel Pepys
 
"Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition."
Samuel Pepys
 
"It's a sad house when the hen crows louder than the cock."
 Scottish Proverb
 
"'You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.'"
 Yiddish Proverb
 
" Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name."
Joan Rivers
 
"It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next morning that it was someone else."
Samuel Rogers
 
"I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage."
Will Rogers
 
"Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. One man's folly is another man's wife"
Helen Rowland
 
"When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one."
Helen Rowland
 
"Marriage is the miracle than transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty."
Helen Rowland
 
"When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad."
Helen Rowland
 
"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you. I want to marry you, I want to have children' - they leave skid marks. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. When I meet a man I look at him and ask 'is this the man I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'"
Rita Rudner
 
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
Rita Rudner
 
"We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? She and I were."
Mort Sahl
 
"Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity."
George Bernard Shaw
 
"It is most unwise for people in love to marry."
George Bernard Shaw
 
"Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married."
George Bernard Shaw
 
"When a man marries, dies, or turns Hindoo, His best friends hear no more of him."
Percy Bysshe Shelley
 
"I knew a very interesting Italian woman last winter, but now she's married."
Percy Bysshe Shelley
 
"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them."
Sydney Smith
 
"By all means marry: if you get a good wife you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
 Socrates
 
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
 
"God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her."
Benjamin Tillett
 
"Marriage is like a dull meal with the dessert at the beginning."
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec
 
" Marriage has driven more than one man to sex."
Peter De Vries
 
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West
 
"The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public."
Oscar Wilde
 
"I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable."
Oscar Wilde
 
"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others."
Oscar Wilde
 
"Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed."
Oscar Wilde
 
"Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed."
Oscar Wilde
 
"How marriage ruins a man. It's as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive."
Oscar Wilde
 
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing."
Oscar Wilde
 
"I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married. In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems."
Shelley Winters
 
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
Henny Youngman
 
 

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